Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Randomize
