My underwear smells like fireworks.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Will you rub my calves while I masturbate?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
