I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Randomize
