the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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