Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
