hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
There's always time for handjobs
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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