20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
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