yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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