I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
