He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
