the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
