positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
