I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
