Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
