Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I just want nice things and good sex
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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