Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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