I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
