jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just took my morning after pill in the library
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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