the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
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