yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
