My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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