dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
