i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
