and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
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