She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
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