Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
Thanks for stopping me from doing a one man keg stand by myself clad in only a towel. that probably wouldve ended badly.
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
