For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
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