Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
