so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
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