im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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