I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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