I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
