My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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