I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
