Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
