Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
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