One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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