cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
