Since when is my name a synonym for head?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
