i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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