how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
We should invent fake asshair for you to wear so you can experience my pain for a day.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Randomize
