sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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