did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
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