Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Randomize
