Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
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