Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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