I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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