Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
