he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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