Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
