I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Topenga is going to be back on TV. Finally my fantasy of her being a milf in junior high has come full circle.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
