I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Randomize
