is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
This is the prime rib incident all over again
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
