OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize