Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Holy fuck. She looks like Vin Diesel's stuntman
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
