we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
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