Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
