Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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