when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I understand Curling. That high.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
