can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
