How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
god. i hate danny gokey.
Hes like the kid in school that reminds the teacher they forgot to assign homeowrk.
he's mormon right? lame.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
