You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
Flaming shots last night. Missing an eye brow. There a connection?
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
