I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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