she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Randomize
