i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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